May. 15th, 2015 09:31 pm
nemesais: (Default)
 I wish I could write a letter and just get it over with. I wish I weren't such a coward. I have so much pain inside, my heart can't take it anymore. All I want is to sleep forever. I want to just leave. Maybe then I won't be a burden to anyone. I'm tired. Emotionally drained. I'm physically and mentally exhausted already. 
I wish there was a way to just shut down this feeling. If there is, I'm having a hard time doing that. And if I do achieve it, it's not for too long. It always creeps back into my mind. One day I'm fine and feeling great and then the next day I'm dying a little more inside. Those feelings of being unloved, unwanted, worthless, useless...
Maybe I should just give up and rid of myself. I just can't take it anymore...it's just too much pain for one individual. 
nemesais: (Default)
 This week has been a bad week. Mostly bad in an emotional way, I guess you can say? Just very stressed out, frustrated, angry, upset...everything at once. I have been trying to put it in the back of my mind, but sometimes it just doesn't work. Hopefully tomorrow I could distract myself doing homework and getting stuff done.
I finish university on May 21. I'm excited yet scared at the same time. We graduate in June, and then I would have to do the stuff so that I could go take the nursing exam. I hope that I will pass that test in one shot. I don't want to fail it. I just want to get ahead and move on with life. Finish school, get my license, get a job. Yet I am terrified and I am not sure why. I just need to relax, that's all. Relax and think positive things. I will do this. I can do this. I will be a somebody in the future. I will make my parents proud...and also myself.
I started working out on Tuesday again. It took me a long time to give myself that push. I need to lose weight again and get somewhere. I was down to 220 pounds yet I'm back to 236. I know most of it is because of stress eating and feeling like hell (thank you depression) but I have also slacked off. So hopefully I will lose weight and feel better. I also want to look better, but it's not for anyone else, only myself. I have never been happy with my looks. I guess the only thing I really like about myself are my eyes. Other than that I despise myself...everything. 
Still thinking about what to do with my relationship. I feel like it's not working out anymore. I don't feel the same way anymore. What's the point of trying if it's not fixable?
nemesais: (Default)
 Here's another random poem/text that I wrote in 2010. Kind of depressing...enjoy.



You Still Haunt Me

I loved the Winter. I liked the cool breeze hitting my face and seeing the soft snow everywhere. I liked stepping suddenly on a patch of ice and gliding across of it, it was so fun when I slipped and landed on my bottom side. I can remember the way we used to laugh at my clumsiness. But today was different. The Winter was here, the breeze was still hitting my face, the snow was everywhere, that patch of ice was there, but you're not here to laugh at me when I fall.  

I can still see your beautiful face with that amazing smile of yours as you helped me up. I can feel your warm arms wrap around me when you pulled me into that hug. Your kisses, which I can feel on my lips, still haunt me. You still haunt me no matter where I go. You're everywhere I turn, you're always by my side. You're next to me when I go to bed, you're sitting beside me when I awake. You still haunt me. 

Looking back to those days, we were so young and foolish. How we used to tell one another "I love you" when we didn't even know what it meant. How we used to playfully kiss each other just out of curiosity. When we promised that we would forever be together, just you and I. It was us against the world. 

I remember so clearly like if it was yesterday. Our first real date, our first real kiss, our first real fight, the first heartbreak. I remember how the next you would say that everything would be okay, and it would be. We would forget about everything and go on as if nothing ever happened. I can still remember the first time we said "I love you" and actually meant it. The first time you invited me over to your new apartment and how we ended up in bed together. You were my first everything and my last too. 

Those memories are the only things I have to cherish. I'll treasure them forever, keeping them safely locked away inside of my heart. I feel the sudden chilly breeze stroke my face and I imagine your soft hand soothing me. I can feel the tears strolling down my cheeks and how they start to freeze on my face. I wipe them away, swallow down the pain and keep walking, no destination in mind. I just want the time to remember you, to remember us. 

In-caged within my thoughts, the patch of ice goes unnoticed. I step on it, glide and eventually slip, falling right onto my back. God, the sky never looked so beautiful. The stars never shone so bright. I'm helpless trying to stand up on my own, now what did I get myself into. I should have been paying more attention, instead I was too busy drowning in the past.  

At my last failed attempt to stand, I just lay back and think about the future. I close my eyes and I can hear your laughter, poking fun at how "cute I look when I'm mad". I smile and I can feel those damn tears coming back. I swear I could sense your presence here with me, I swear I can still hear your voice now closer. I swear I can still feel your hand in mine, trying to get me back up. Am I really imagining this?  

I open my eyes and I find myself standing straight up. I swear I can see you standing there before me, with that beautiful smile of yours. You look like an angel with that radiating light surrounding you. I felt your arms around me, I heard you whisper how silly I was and will always be. I heard you say those magical words: I love you, always will. Then I feel your lips on mine, still warm to the touch. I feel you pulling away, but I refuse to let you go again. 

All is in vain and I see you farther away from me. Your beautiful light now fades into darkness and you're gone. But you're always there, I know you are. Damn, how you still haunt me.




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