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 I am not going to be talking so openly about my personal thoughts anymore, as there are people who dislike what I write about...even though it's MY blog, my facebook, my twitter. If you do not like what I write about, get the hell out. Simple. Everyone vents when they are angry, sad, depressed, etc. Why can't I do the same? But whatever. As I said, if you don't like it then don't read it.
 
Today I worked out earlier and studied some for my final nursing exam on Wednesday. Possibly will study some more later on. I want to do good on this test since it's worth 75% of the class I believe. In other words, if I don't pass it I won't graduate. I want to graduate and get away from that university. I also want to get everything together and get my provisional license so I can work. 
 
Today I realized that nobody is going to help me except myself. No professional, no friends, no family. Just me. I have accepted everything in my life. I have accepted that mom is no longer here physically. I have accepted that I will never be a stick figure. I have accepted change and I will achieve it, with or without you. Don't come tell me that you care and you wish to help. No you don't. If you did, you would have been there from the start. I don't need any of you, I can do this on my own. I will show you all that I am strong. And when you finally see this change, I will no longer accept YOU in my life.
 
Don't be "alarmed" by what I write or how I act. I'll be fine. I am fine. I am at peace and I am positive. Those who try to bring me down can just move along. Like I said, I don't need  you in my life.
 
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 This week has been a bad week. Mostly bad in an emotional way, I guess you can say? Just very stressed out, frustrated, angry, upset...everything at once. I have been trying to put it in the back of my mind, but sometimes it just doesn't work. Hopefully tomorrow I could distract myself doing homework and getting stuff done.
 
I finish university on May 21. I'm excited yet scared at the same time. We graduate in June, and then I would have to do the stuff so that I could go take the nursing exam. I hope that I will pass that test in one shot. I don't want to fail it. I just want to get ahead and move on with life. Finish school, get my license, get a job. Yet I am terrified and I am not sure why. I just need to relax, that's all. Relax and think positive things. I will do this. I can do this. I will be a somebody in the future. I will make my parents proud...and also myself.
 
I started working out on Tuesday again. It took me a long time to give myself that push. I need to lose weight again and get somewhere. I was down to 220 pounds yet I'm back to 236. I know most of it is because of stress eating and feeling like hell (thank you depression) but I have also slacked off. So hopefully I will lose weight and feel better. I also want to look better, but it's not for anyone else, only myself. I have never been happy with my looks. I guess the only thing I really like about myself are my eyes. Other than that I despise myself...everything. 
 
Still thinking about what to do with my relationship. I feel like it's not working out anymore. I don't feel the same way anymore. What's the point of trying if it's not fixable?
 
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Sorry for the lack of updates. I have been lazying around and trying to rest. Unfortunately, I am not sleeping as well as I should be. I woke up at 4 am last night and it has been like that for like 2 weeks now. Probably more. Today I sent an email to Preven, which is a government agency that deals with birth control and stuff (basically they help you pay for the methods), inviting them to our health fair on Thursday. I already got a confirmation from the Red Cross that they're attending the fair. I am also in charge of making the cakes to give to the guests. I hope tomorrow some of the people in my class give me the boxes of cake mix and frosting to make them. I also need to buy an extra baking pan so I could bake two cakes at the same time. Anyways, last Saturday my boyfriend was able to call me. He sounded a lot better than before although he is still on probation. He is supposed to come back this Saturday, if all goes well. I hope to see him soon. I miss him even though he's annoying sometimes. I guess I'm still not used to being with someone like this. I'm not good with relationships. Not even good with friendships. Ugh, I just want to finish classes and study for the nursing test. I hope to pass that damn thing in one shot and get my license and eventually a good job.
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Finished another part for my case study project. Had to write about the patient's condition, which was stroke. Took me 8 pages in total. But at least I got something else out of the way. Tomorrow I'll do another part, probably the patient examination part which is like 17 pages. I don't understand why that university has to make something so exaggerated for us. I mean, I doubt anyone who's sick wants to be bothered by dumb questions. I sure as hell wouldn't want that.

I didn't get a call from my boyfriend today, so I guess he didn't get his phone back. I hope he didn't get reverted...but if he did, well, I kind of expected him not to do well. It's just not his thing and he's not meant for something like that. I hope he doesn't get back traumatized. That would be bad.

Nothing else has happened. Been very bored. Spring break was just dumb. I would have preferred to have class and clinical practice. At least I would have had something to do and distract myself with.
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 Well, I finished another part for my patient case study. So far I have done the list of medications with the information and the labs which took me 3 days. There were over 50 labs I had to write about. Tomorrow I'll work on the easier part which is the information about the medical diagnose. It's about CVA (stroke). Kind of chokes me up since mom suffered two of those and well...*sighs* I hate walking into the hospital because it reminds me of her. It was where she passed away, so it's hard for me to even go there. 
 
I played some more Rift today. Got to level 20 on a battle cleric (druid/shaman/inquisitor). It's getting a little slow to level up but luckily there's plenty to do in that game. Especially the Rift events which give stuff...I also like searching for artifacts to collect. Wish there was a way to tell where they're located at. I did find a lot of them. Like 4 in one spot. So that was awesome. Wish I had somebody to play with though...
 
Saw a movie today on Amazon Prime called The Ouija Experiment. It was the most horrible movie ever. It's "found footage" with terrible acting. It had a decent storyline but the bad acting ruined it. It would have had potential if the acting was a little better. One of the actresses was just annoying and yeah. It was just a dumb movie. More comedy than horror to be honest.
 
Maybe I'll finish watching Death Note tonight. Or just listen to music. Or read. By the way, I cannot finish Prince Lestat for the life of me. It just got ridiculous with all of the Apple product promoting and the dragging on of weird storylines. I'll finish it eventually just like Blackwood Farm which took me ages to read.

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July 2015

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