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 This week has been a bad week. Mostly bad in an emotional way, I guess you can say? Just very stressed out, frustrated, angry, upset...everything at once. I have been trying to put it in the back of my mind, but sometimes it just doesn't work. Hopefully tomorrow I could distract myself doing homework and getting stuff done.
 
I finish university on May 21. I'm excited yet scared at the same time. We graduate in June, and then I would have to do the stuff so that I could go take the nursing exam. I hope that I will pass that test in one shot. I don't want to fail it. I just want to get ahead and move on with life. Finish school, get my license, get a job. Yet I am terrified and I am not sure why. I just need to relax, that's all. Relax and think positive things. I will do this. I can do this. I will be a somebody in the future. I will make my parents proud...and also myself.
 
I started working out on Tuesday again. It took me a long time to give myself that push. I need to lose weight again and get somewhere. I was down to 220 pounds yet I'm back to 236. I know most of it is because of stress eating and feeling like hell (thank you depression) but I have also slacked off. So hopefully I will lose weight and feel better. I also want to look better, but it's not for anyone else, only myself. I have never been happy with my looks. I guess the only thing I really like about myself are my eyes. Other than that I despise myself...everything. 
 
Still thinking about what to do with my relationship. I feel like it's not working out anymore. I don't feel the same way anymore. What's the point of trying if it's not fixable?
 
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 I received a third letter from my boyfriend today. Apparently, he's doing much worse than before. He keeps getting punished for minor things and was even sent to some motivation program where he was forced to do excessive exercising. I feel pretty bad for him, especially since he is someone who is not used to that type of regime. He's a really shy, quiet and patient person. I'm afraid that by the time he comes back, he will be a different person. Someone scary. Someone angry.
 
Yesterday was our first day of practice at the hospital. We were assigned a partner and then given a patient whom we had to interview to complete an admission history (basically collecting patient data). We had to do vital stats, a physical examination and ask questions. The professor then dragged me to another patient so I could take out blood for some labs. I was pretty nervous since the last time I took out blood was about 4 years ago. Thankfully, everything went smoothly and the patient had great veins despite being an elderly man. Professor said I did an excellent job. I'm actually happy and cannot wait for next week.
 
Right now I'm doing some homework which is due for next Friday. It's just writing about the patient's condition (which was acute coronary syndrome). We have to summarize the etiology, signs and symptoms, medical treatment and nursing interventions. Then we have to complete the admission history, a nursing care plan and focus charting (nursing notes). Everything except the nursing notes is easy for me. I still need practice on notes.
 
Oh, last night our neighbor gave us a chicken! We got a fat hen with 9 baby chicks. Unfortunately, when we let them out today in the yard, my dog ate one of the chicks. I was so upset and disgusted. I know it's animal instinct but oh goodness...the poor babe. He ate the whole damn bird! This dog is something, he acts as if he had never eaten. So I'm still upset by that. The neighbor stopped by and helped us tie the hen in our fenced off garden so she doesn't run off and leave the chicks behind. He also helped us build a cage for them. So yeah, they're sleeping in there tonight. 
 
I was supposed to do some cleaning around the house, but I had to do my college work. Still working on it. I guess cleaning will have to wait until tomorrow. I have quite a headache, so the rest of this work will probably be finished tomorrow as well.
 
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 Woke up pretty late today since I had a horrible headache all night. I don't know what a normal headache is. All I have ever had were migraines all of my life. I wish I would get a simple headache where a Tylenol is enough to take it away. But instead I have to take Imitrex and at times it doesn't even do anything. I was lucky that it did do something this time, even though I still have a lingering headache. I just hope it doesn't turn into another migraine attack in the middle of the night. I am done with having to get up and drag myself downstairs to get a pill...a pill that has a 50% of actually doing something. Pathetic.
 
So my boyfriend is finally in New Jersey at the Coast Guard basic training thing. I won't be able to speak to him or see him for a long time. Breaks my heart. And now I am really going to be bored as fuck for two months. I don't really have friends to go out with either, so that really isn't an option. I can hope that all goes well and he'll be here soon. Thankfully, I can be distracted with my nursing practice. I'm going to miss him so much, even if he's a pain in the ass.
 
I'm not doing much right now. I  don't have class until Thursday and I did all of my assignments last week. So I'm pretty much bored right now. Not in the mood to play any games or do much to be honest. I am listening to the new The Agonist album. It is by far the best album by them. Vicky was a great choice to replace Alissa. She is doing one hell of an amazing job. As a matter of fact, she is beyond better than Alissa, and that is saying a lot. I love Alissa but her ego is the size of the universe. She seems to be such a stuck up person...someone who thinks is a diva and is better than anyone else is definitely somebody you wouldn't like. But yeah, The Agonist now seem like an actual band made of more than one person. Bye bye Alissa. Hello Vicky.
 
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Well, I was looking through my old external hard drive and found various text files of stuff I wrote so long ago...here's a sexy text from 2010.


Inhale. Exhale. Relax.

Working, and I can't seem to get my mind off of her. Her long golden hair, her sparkling blue eyes, her soft full lips, that soft creamy white skin of vanilla. The perfect qualities of an angel, my angel.

Love her, love every inch of her. Love the night, the sounds, the scents, the feelings, the taste. Her body illuminated only by the candlelight in this dark room. Perfection.

That smile, so innocent looking, yet deceiving. Those facial expressions and seducing movements tell another story. Yes, that's right. Come closer my love. Come join me in our little nest of sins that we have created. Lay on your back, let your body sink into these soft clouds.

Let me be the adventurer exploring a new land. Inhale.

Let me walk this new found path. Exhale.

Let me take shelter from the night within this hot and humid cave. Inhale.

Let me go in further to find warmth and protection. Exhale.

I've found the perfect location, the perfect spot to look outside and admire this rainy night.

Relax.

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July 2015

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