nemesais: (Default)
 This week has been a bad week. Mostly bad in an emotional way, I guess you can say? Just very stressed out, frustrated, angry, upset...everything at once. I have been trying to put it in the back of my mind, but sometimes it just doesn't work. Hopefully tomorrow I could distract myself doing homework and getting stuff done.
 
I finish university on May 21. I'm excited yet scared at the same time. We graduate in June, and then I would have to do the stuff so that I could go take the nursing exam. I hope that I will pass that test in one shot. I don't want to fail it. I just want to get ahead and move on with life. Finish school, get my license, get a job. Yet I am terrified and I am not sure why. I just need to relax, that's all. Relax and think positive things. I will do this. I can do this. I will be a somebody in the future. I will make my parents proud...and also myself.
 
I started working out on Tuesday again. It took me a long time to give myself that push. I need to lose weight again and get somewhere. I was down to 220 pounds yet I'm back to 236. I know most of it is because of stress eating and feeling like hell (thank you depression) but I have also slacked off. So hopefully I will lose weight and feel better. I also want to look better, but it's not for anyone else, only myself. I have never been happy with my looks. I guess the only thing I really like about myself are my eyes. Other than that I despise myself...everything. 
 
Still thinking about what to do with my relationship. I feel like it's not working out anymore. I don't feel the same way anymore. What's the point of trying if it's not fixable?
 
nemesais: (Default)
 I am bored. I have spent the whole weekend stuck at home, doing nothing just homework and fixing my binder for class. The life of a nursing student is the most boring and stressful thing ever. I am constantly studying and doing work just to keep ahead. I have lost interest in video games and reading. I'm not sleeping properly, I can tell by the way my body feels every morning. Today is a day where I would love to be sleeping instead of having to go to class. I now take a new class on Mondays and Wednesdays, with clinical practice on Fridays. But soon I will finish and it will be worth it.
 
I'm not sure if I want to stay for class today or just go on Wednesday. I mean, it's the first day and they don't really do much on first days. But I have to go to the university to get some copies and let my clinical practice partner get copies of the assignment...I did this on my own I don't even know why. I guess I was just so bored and didn't have anything else to do. Next one I'll let her help me out. I could always take care of that and come back home. I am too tired to stay listening to rubbish tonight. The class is from 4:30 - 7:30 pm. I really don't feel like being there and having to drive home at that hour. I have fallen asleep before while driving and I'm afraid tonight I may do the same and get myself killed.
 
Did I mention that my right arm feels like it's about to fall off? Because it is. I have written so much these past days that my arm hurts. I hate the way I have to put so much pressure to write...bad habits. That's why I prefer using ink pens, but oh well. I'm also broke. I need money. Haven't sold a damn thing on EBay in months. What else can I possibly do to get some money? I can't work as a nurse because I don't have a provisional license at the moment...I really need to get my act together and study for that dumb test, this way I can finally get a job and get money coming in. Of course, I don't want to spend it on stupid crap. I will put it in the bank, buy some stuff I would need and help dad with the bills...and some stuff around the house. He has done a lot for me all these years, it's time to give back.
 
nemesais: (Default)
So many things that have been going through my mind lately. It's like a huge jumble of thoughts all stuck together and it's impossible to decipher them. My brain feels electrified, is that a thing? Because it feels like I just can't get it to shut down, not even to sleep. I'm constantly thinking about shit and it's bringing me down. Just random stuff.
 
You know what it kind of feels like? That game Katamari Damacy, where that little guy rolls everything into a ball just for the hell  of it. That is exactly what my life feels like at the moment. A huge ball of a mess.

 
 


 


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nemesais

July 2015

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