nemesais: (Default)
 So um, I had a bad day. It all started over a lousy cable and dad kicking my bunny's cage with my bunny inside. I mean, I know it's annoying when the rabbit eats through the cables, but it's not like they know better. There was absolutely no reason to do what he did. It is disgusting. He doesn't care about anything but himself. If I did that to his fish, I would have been dead. But yeah, whatever. I'm just so done. I just decided to not listen to whatever he was saying. It makes things easier.
 
I worked out my anger on the treadmill. I didn't even bother speaking to him. There's a lot of stuff that I will never forgive him for. This was just another one to that list.
 
Anyways, on Thursday my friend is going to cut my hair. I wanted to let it grow longer but I just can't take it. I want a change. I want to just wash my hair and not worry about fixing it. Or just picking it up in a ponytail and move on. I can also manage it easier when I want to flatiron it. 
 
I'm supposed to get my new keyboard tomorrow for the laptop. I hope that fixes the issues that it's having, if not, well fuck. But I'm hoping for the best. Also, my Tokyo Ghoul wallscroll is supposed to arrive tomorrow as well...hopefully.
 
Well, I should take a nice hot shower and pretend to go to bed and just listen to music. I just want everything to exit my thoughts. Everything negative to just leave me alone.
 
nemesais: (Default)
I haven't update in a while, have I? Well, I have some nice things to say I suppose.

First off, I have finally finished my bachelor's degree in nursing. I'll graduate on June 12 with cum laud. This makes me feel happy and this is for you mom. I know you're proud of me just like dad is. I won't go to the graduation because it's at 8 in the morning and very far away. I don't plan on waking up at around 5 am to get ready and drive like a maniac over there. Instead I asked dad to take me to dinner and spend the day with me.

Secondly, I am single. I'll talk about it because it's my blog and I have every right to express myself whether you consider it to be positive or negative. I don't give a damn. It's my page and I write what I want and however I want. I want people to know my side of the story not what that certain person has made them believe. Depression? It's normal for a person who has a lost a parent. It's something that doesn't simply go away and you just "move on" from. It took me a damn while to finally accept everything and move on. Slowly picking up the pieces and getting by day-by-day.

I'm sorry YOU couldn't understand that and decided it was cool to not be there for me and make everyone think that I am some kind of crazy person who is probably going to meltdown and kill everyone. No. I did have a meltdown because of stress from classes which piled on me. But I am much better now. I am stronger. I am positive and i don't need your negativity to bring me down. I am doing much better without you. I don't need you. You're a toxic person who likes to make people feel bad just to make yourself feel superior. You use a person's weakness against them. You're nothing but a lazy bum.

When you told me that all of your exes were psychopaths, I should have taken that as a red flag. Instead I ignored it. When your mother told me that you were lazy, that didn't like doing stuff for others, that she was amazed that I put up with you for so long, I should have taken that as a big ass red flag and got rid of you. But no, I stayed like an idiot. The reason why I felt so down was because of you. You, the one who thinks you're better than everyone and smarter than anyone else. You, the narcissistic selfish person that only cares about what they want. I am glad that I got rid of you. I was tired of your bullshit.

Do you know what it's like to go out with someone and instead of having a nice conversation they're just playing on their phone constantly? What the hell is that? That is rude. When you go out with someone, you leave your phone alone. Your friends can wait. Facebook can wait. Reddit can wait. I never pulled my phone out when I was with you. In fact, I always put it on vibrate. You however, what nerves. Complete rudeness.

Also, all you ever did was talk about stuff you liked. You never bothered to listen to what I talked about. All you wanted to talk about was games, computers, phones, cameras. That's cool. I enjoyed the conversations but then it was a constant thing and it got pretty fucking annoying. And your obsession with Apple...about how Apple sucks and the people who use Apple products are all idiots. Come on, it made you sound like a very envious person. Also, that was just you. You want what everyone else has. You want better stuff. You're never going to live a happy life that way. You, the person who doesn't understand how relationships work. It's not one-sided. It's not only about sex. Actually, it sucks when you aim to only please yourself in everything and forget about the other person.

The reason I was always down and upset? You. Thanks to you for walking all over me. When I expressed myself, told you I felt upset because of mom, you brushed it off as "it'll be okay, just move on" without any interest whatsoever. I could tell you didn't care so I just kept it inside. But now, I understand what a piece of crap you were. You deceive others well. I wish they knew the real you.

I am much happier now and all it took was to be with the wrong person. I now remember why I preferred to be alone. I am doing much better by myself to be honest. I am working on making myself happy and I feel 100% better about myself. I smile more. I have motivation to do stuff for myself. Wasn't happening with you, sorry.

Oh, by the way, getting mad because I went out with a friend I haven't seen in forever to Comic Con and had fun was very childish of you. You actually stopped talking to me since that day and then magically appeared and texted me about how it wasn't working out. Guess you're not the type to speak to a person face-to-face. Why? Oh yeah, you hide behind your phone or PC. Good going.

I don't wish you wrong, however. I wish you the best and hope that you will open your eyes and realize what an asshole you are. I hope you decide to change. I hope you learn how to maintain a relationship and be there for the person you claim to love. And don't come back, ever. I would rather not have you in my life at all. Not even as a friend. I guess you'll just add me to your list of "psychopath girlfriends" because that's just you.
nemesais: (Default)
 This week has been a bad week. Mostly bad in an emotional way, I guess you can say? Just very stressed out, frustrated, angry, upset...everything at once. I have been trying to put it in the back of my mind, but sometimes it just doesn't work. Hopefully tomorrow I could distract myself doing homework and getting stuff done.
 
I finish university on May 21. I'm excited yet scared at the same time. We graduate in June, and then I would have to do the stuff so that I could go take the nursing exam. I hope that I will pass that test in one shot. I don't want to fail it. I just want to get ahead and move on with life. Finish school, get my license, get a job. Yet I am terrified and I am not sure why. I just need to relax, that's all. Relax and think positive things. I will do this. I can do this. I will be a somebody in the future. I will make my parents proud...and also myself.
 
I started working out on Tuesday again. It took me a long time to give myself that push. I need to lose weight again and get somewhere. I was down to 220 pounds yet I'm back to 236. I know most of it is because of stress eating and feeling like hell (thank you depression) but I have also slacked off. So hopefully I will lose weight and feel better. I also want to look better, but it's not for anyone else, only myself. I have never been happy with my looks. I guess the only thing I really like about myself are my eyes. Other than that I despise myself...everything. 
 
Still thinking about what to do with my relationship. I feel like it's not working out anymore. I don't feel the same way anymore. What's the point of trying if it's not fixable?
 

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nemesais

July 2015

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